Quelle Blogue!

I've been struggling with the idea of this post for a long time now. I've wanted to write about masculinity in relation to being trans, but I've never quite found the words. But, as the Taoists say, when in deep water become a diver: therefore, let's begin.

As I've written here, the great subject of this summer has been to strip away my conventional ideas of what femininity means, and what it means to me. That's forced me to abandon a great many ideas that I had formed, and take on new ones. I won't say that there wasn't something selfish, or triumphal about this process--that, by learning about how real women live and the concerns they have in their lives, I could somehow become more like them, more "real." That undoubtedly was a motive. But the thing is, there is a part of me whose gender identity will always be out of alignment with my anatomy, a part, that despite all the evidence, insists that I am on some level a woman. This is not my only identity. Nor do I want it to be. My struggles this year have been to learn how to compromise with and integrate these feelings into my general life.

And one of the surprising things has been that I am rediscovering masculinity and how positive it can be. I think for a lot of trans people the repression of their trans nature--and the discomfort they have with conventional masculinity--has led to an attitude of "ewww, boys!" around any positive expression of masculinity.

But it doesn't have to be that way. Certainly women find parts of masculinity attractive. And so do I--not because I am a woman, but because I am a man.

One of the odd things I have discovered in my thinking about masculinity, however, is that all the positive stereotypes can rapidly become negative depending on the degree they are expressed. So yes, the idea of physical courage and ignoring pain can be good--until it turns into desiring pain and ignoring it in others. So it goes.

The other thing I've noticed is that feminity isn't defined the same way, and often it's negative stereotypes don't share this same nature of being positive traits expressed to an unhealthy degree. But that perhaps shouldn't surprise me; because masculinity is often expressed positively: "Men are this," while feminity is described negatively: "Women don't do this." I leave the consequences of this construction to my able readers; but I'll note in passing that one of the most inclusive definition of woman is "not a man." But the reverse isn't true; a man isn't simply "not a woman."

So on to what I find positive about masculinity. I should note that I will be using stereotypes here, and they may possibly give offense. As I said above, I struggled with this fact, but in the end I couldn't find any other way to approach the question. In many ways, being a man is a far more symbolic act than being a woman; a woman can just be--for good or ill--while a man has to constantly define himself as a man.

Perhaps it is only because I've been doing aikido again lately, but what I've found most attractive about masculinity have been the aspects of what I'll call a Warrior Code. Now, let me hasten to say that I don't think war is good, or that everybody should be a warrior. Nor do I like conflict, physical or otherwise. But, and this is a key point, warrior codes do not emerge to control violence but to constrain it. It is no accident that the two most influential and detailed warrior codes, European chivalry and Japanese budo, emerged out of the most violent and divided periods in those region's histories--because with so many armed and violent men at loose ends, a societal pressure to keep them from killing each other and innocents had to be developed.

I don't also want to imply that women can't be either warriors or soldiers and don't fight. Far from it. But historically war has been an almost exclusively male occupation, and so it should not be a surprise that often warriors are held up as the best examples of masculinity in a given culture. And often this has resulted in a brutal version of masculinity being promulgated, one that celebrates pain and death and violence as the solution to all problems. But at its highest, most idealized states, warrior codes have attempted to evolve philosophies that somehow incorporate the idea of violence in the service of a community with the vision of a peaceful and ultimately nonviolent world; thus European knights swore vows that made them all but monks in their devotion to Christian precepts, and Japanese samurai held a philosophy heavily laden with concepts from Zen Buddhism.

These are some of the aspects of the warrior code that I find positive and I try to adopt for myself.

Physical Courage: Overcoming the fear of death is important to live a fulfilled life; even harder, perhaps, is to overcome the fear of pain. Pain is an important part of life--it is the great teacher, it protects us from hurting ourselves, the experience of pain gives us empathy with the suffering of others. But the fear of pain can stunt us. If we fear to be hurt--physically or emotionally--we run the risk of never taking risks at all. And also by pushing through our pain we can discover where our limits lie, or even push them back.

Protection of the Weak and Innocent: Part of having courage is the willingness to put one's body--even life--on the line to protect the innocent, or those not able to defend themselves. It's easy to walk away from other people's conflicts. Nor is it advisable to force yourself into other people's problems. But at the same time a society needs its members to protect it.

This aspect may be seen as stemming from physical courage and representing a kind of moral courage.

Physical Strength: When I go out crossdressed, I usually dislike my broad shoulders and cover them up. But in my normal male presentation I actually like them; they're a sign of my strength, and truth be told I like being strong.

Let's be honest: being strong is a good thing. This doesn't mean you have to bulk up like a bodybuilder; I have no desire or need to have huge muscles. But strength is important; not only does it make you more fit and help extend your life, but it gives you freedom of action, and freedom from the fear of other people's strength.

Of course, like all the sterotypes I discuss here, this can be taken too far. And strength in the service of violence or hurting people is abhorrent. But at the same time, I think it is good, especially if you are a man, to develop strength in some way, by jogging or taking a martial art or even just keeping yourself fit. That said, remember that strength fades with age and ultimately the other aspects I'm touching on will be more important to living a full life.

Decisiveness: I'm not a decisive person, particularly. I dither often about even minor issues.

But testosterone is an amazing chemical, and one of its effects is to ultimately make you able to decide on a course of action quickly under stress. Even me.

Personally, I think this is because testosterone makes you territorial, including about intellectual territory--which is why men can argue about stupid things like baseball. (And our common understanding of this aspect of masculinity is why we can walk away from arguments easily with no emotional attachment, I think.)

Obviously, when in a physical conflict, the ability to make a rapid decision--often, no matter what it is--can be the difference between winning and losing, life and death.


What I find most positive about these things is that there is no reason a female can't have any of them. (And indeed, in every aikido dojo I've ever trained in, at least 20% of the students were women, and often more than that.) The ridicule that women who did so (trying to be "men") often endured is fading away.

And that gives me hope, because just as I can try to be "feminine" while being true to being a man, if I can adopt positive aspects of femininity into my life, then it should be just as possible for women to be "masculine" while still being true to themselves as women.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 03, 2005 at 10:02 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.